My new normal

Ok so my back has been KILLING me over the last few weeks.  I’m pretty sure it all started when I went to some retreat with the women from my church.  It was a great experience and all but I realized then that my back is just not cut out for bad bunk beds, hikes, and sitting indian style.  From that weekend onwards there’s always been a bit of pain that I couldn’t seem to shift.  And then WHAM!  One day after seeing my chiropractor it all just gave out and I had to drive my car the 15 min it takes to get home in extreme pain and agony.  Like deep moaning during labor pain.

Well today while I was still in pain and basically can do nothing but lay in bed I realized that actually I’m doing SO MUCH MORE than just laying in bed.  I’m laying there having a complete pity party on myself when my husband stops me and says “What do you call all that downstairs cooking? Because I don’t call that nothing”  And then I realized in spite of all my pain I still managed to cook a beef heart stew, make chicken broth and render down the fat from the heart to get some tallow.  Not to mention I still took the time to soak oatmeal for tomorrow and make more homemade coconut milk kefir…WHAT?!

When did this happen that whipping up a stew with organ meat is so normal to me now that whilst doing it I felt like I was doing nothing!  I mean even just a year ago I swear putting in a Stouffer’s lasagna in the oven was hard work.  Wow I really need to get off my own back and realize the progress I’ve made over the last few years.  So what that the house is a mess?  So what if my daughter is maybe watching one too many Elmo’s since I can’t play with her.  I’m in a season in my life right now where I just have to survive.  And again if I’m surviving off home made organ meats, broth and tallow then I think life is going to be alright.

Valentines Day Date

So today I went out on a date tonight with hubby.  It was something we both really needed so I was so glad to be doing it.  A local church was having a drop off where for only $2! we could drop off our kids from 5:30-8:30.  3 hours for only $2!  We ended up just giving them a $5 bill and told them to keep it.  Probably should have given them more though they’re so amazing.

Hubby and I went to Dave and Busters for dinner and then spent about an hour playing on all the arcade games there.  Ever been to D&B’s?  It’s like chuck e cheese for grown ups.  Seriously so much fun.

For dinner I had a surprisingly healthy entree.  Salmon, spinach and rice.  Can’t get much better than that?  Sometimes it pains me to eat out though because I know the Salmon has been farmed, the spinach is loaded with pesticide and everything has been cooked in some sort of vegetable oil.  But I realize it’s a special occasion and to do the best I can.  I definitely had something that is a BIG 21 Day Sugar Detox.  Sangria! hahaha.  What can I say?  It was our valentines day date. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Sugar Detox round 2!

Yesterday was crazy.  I spent most of the day trying to perfect my daughters cupcakes for her birthday but forgot to eat anything during the process!  Since her birthday will fall right in the middle of the next 21 Day Sugar Detox I knew I had to get all the test baking in on Sunday.  But I think I had one too many taste tests because I turned into a complete disaster.

I had no patience with anything or anyone.  My daughters cries were going right through me and I said to my husband all I wanted to do was punch her. I mean really?!  But yes I did! That’s how insane I was.  I then stormed out of the house because I was fighting with my husband and honestly nervous over what I would throw at him.

Here’s the good part though, in the past when these kind of things would happen the first place I would go is through the taco bell drive through.  I’m not joking when I say I would get the 10 taco meal deal, but just for me.  It was like I would want to punish myself for being so crazy and make myself so full until I was sick.

Well I did go through the drive thru again, but I didn’t stop I just kept driving.  I was even adamantly trying to shut God out and NOT listen to him because I just wanted the sweet relief of a crunchy taco in my mouth.  God is so amazing though and knew the true desires of my heart and seriously I felt him push my foot down and steer the wheel the opposite direction.  It was an amazing feeling overcoming something that had been such a huge part of my life for the past year.

To try and break the habit I went over to Starbucks and got a peppermint tea.  I sipped on that and read my book while I tried to relax before going home.

Then that night I felt like I had the flu!  I could barely move I was in so much pain, I was just so achey. I took my temperature I thought I had for sure caught something. But nope I was fine, and it was then I realized I was having the opposite effect of carb flu.  I had in fact had TOO MUCH sugar and was getting sick because of it!  Crazy to think I of all people could have too much sugar.  Even it was all in the form of dark chocolate, maple syrup and honey.

I woke up this morning with a crazy headache and just resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to get over this sugar hangover for the rest of the day.  Thankfully I started to feel better later on.  And the one good thing about all this was when I went out to dinner tonight with some of my girl friends I didn’t even think twice about dipping into their fondue deserts.  There was no way I wanted to feel that way again.

God’s power vs willpower

I don’t know what is wrong with me but I am spiraling out of control.

Burgers and fries on Thursday, egg rolls and teriyaki wings on Friday, candy canes, sugar cover almonds, slices of cheese, sugar laden lemonades, nuts covered in rancid oils. Ugh.  It’s like I’ve lost the plot. And I can tell it’s effected me so much more than just my IBS.  I am moody, and anxious.  I want to cry at any given moment, I’m back to fighting with my husband constantly.  I’m yelling at my daughter.  I just have no patience.  And yet I continue to eat.

I know what I need to do, I need to turn to Christ. I need his grace and his love to get me back on track.  I need to remember everything IS permissible.  It just may not be beneficial. My chiropractor, God bless him, I think has been partly the cause of some of this.  His words to me of stopping all sugars, even fruit.  Of just being better and not eating out AT ALL has caused me to resort to my old ways of rebellion.

Before that I had gotten into a good rhythm with God.  I knew I could have taco bell and chocolate cake whenever I wanted. That wasn’t the problem.  The problem was I wanted it more than I wanted my relationship with God and so I knew who I needed to turn to.  My chiro has be thinking I need to turn inward and into myself again and just have the willpower to stop.  Well I will tell you this, there is no such things as will power. Only God’s power and I need to be in search of that again.

Where to start?

Let’s start at the beginning, (a very good place to start…)

Parenting:
I have a little girl who is almost 2.  I am a stay at home mom.  I have been married for over 3 years.

Paleo:
This is how I want to eat and this is how I do eat when I’m not dealing with all the emotional issues that come with food. What is the Paleo diet?  Google it, or stick around I’ll be explaining it soon enough.

Faith:
I am a Christian, which means that I believe that Jesus died for my sins.  I believe in the Bible and live my life based off of the word of God.

I will be using this blog as place to journal about the above topics amongst other various topics.  I also hope to be able to help women who are having problems with their diet, with parenting, with their marriage or even with their faith.  All of which I have problems with on a daily basis.

I am not a writer by trade, I don’t actually enjoy writing.  I was not one of those kids in high school that wanted to be a journalist or who wrote long stories in the back of their notebooks.  I never wrote for my school newspaper and I have no training.  So in other words what you will be reading may have run on sentences.  It may not have enough commas, or worse yet too many! But it’s real, and it’s me.  I am keeping this page 100% incognito so that I can write about those things I’d rather not my friends, family and husband know about.

I will share recipes, some of which I’ve found, others I’ve created or some conventional recipes I’ve tweaked to be more paleo friendly. I will share articles that I’ve read and relate to, sometimes giving my additional opinion and other times hoping to hear what you have to say.

This blog is a little for me and a little for you.